Can't go to lunch till you've finished that report? Won't watch TV while there are dirty dishes in the sink? Pamela Allardice shows you how to cut yourself some slack.

Give yourself a gold star

Perfectionists are notoriously hard on themselves, tending to focus on mistakes rather than giving themselves credit for things they've done right. Developing self-compassion is the first step in breaking an all-or-nothing perfectionist mind-set. When you spiral into negative self-talk ("I can't understand this computer program! I'm so stupid!"), take time out for a compliment and a little perspective ("I am diligent and capable. Learning something new is bound to be tricky, but it's good to have goals. I'll get there eventually.")

Prioritise tasks

While a reasonable amount of discipline in your life is a good thing, too much is a recipe for dissatisfaction, anxiety, low self-esteem, and an increased risk of a slew of health problems, from insomnia and hypertension to depression and eating disorders. Setting yourself a reasonable goal and working towards it is one thing; beating yourself up because you haven't achieved the impossible is another. When faced with several tasks, estimate the time and effort involved in each, and the benefit to you. List them in order of priority and tackle one at a time.

Settle for 85 per cent

Aim to be excellent, not perfect. If you spread your energies too thin your performance will suffer, and, ironically, you won't come anywhere near your own high standards. Tell yourself you'll be happy if you achieve a next-to-perfect 'score' in your mind; that is, if you get it 85 per cent right. For most activities, 85 per cent is more than good enough. That doesn't mean you give less than your best, but it does mean you can accept help or delegate, and that you should stop feeling guilty and labouring over details to the point of exhaustion. Whether you’re writing a letter or cleaning the floor, just do it, check it - then let it go.

Bless the mess

Almost always, a perfectionist will have suffered anxiety and a need for approval as a child, perhaps due to a critical teacher, unrealistic parental expectations, or comparisons with a high-achieving sibling. Years later, trying to keep a house or a job or a relationship "just right" can be a way for that now-grown-up child to control her life by proving just how good, tidy, responsible, and well-behaved she really is. This drive to be a "neat freak" is worsened by society's unrealistic expectations of Photoshopped faces, skinny designer jeans and spotless, perfectly appointed homes. A satisfying life is one that is full of twists, turns, surprises and, yes, mess. When you look in the mirror and see stretch marks, or if you start stressing about the Lego, laundry or cat litter (or all three) on the floor, take a deep breath and remind yourself to be grateful for the rich, full life that put them all there.

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