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Are you relationship ready?

Julie Hamilton
Thursday, May 21, 2009
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Are you relationship ready?

Drop the baggage

If you want to start something new with somebody, it’s unlikely to happen or be successful if you've got a ton of emotional baggage hanging around. Signs that you still need to let go are…

  • You still think about your ex a lot - more than three or four times a week/day/minute.
  • When you hear about your ex, you feel mad or very sad.
  • You feel scared that you are going to be hurt again
  • Your ex is still in your life in a way that’s not quite healthy. For example, they come around every night for dinner or are still sleeping on your couch!
  • You can’t bear to throw out their old toothbrush and other personal momento’s they left behind.
  • The thought of them being with someone else makes you want to turn inside out.
  • You are occasionally still seeing or having sleep-overs with your ex.

If this sounds like you, then start to cut old ties. Get therapy, talk it out with a friend, write a goodbye letter where you say everything you want then burn it or have a throw out session of old possessions and memories. If necessary draw a boundary and move on with your life.

Sort out your life

If you totally love your life - skip to the next question because there’s nothing more attractive than someone who is living their passion. If you wish your day-to-day was different then you are going to have to do some sorting out before you start to date because negativity is a huge turn-off. Signs you need to take control of your life are being…

  • Seriously in debt and not taking charge of the situation
  • Unfit or unhappily overweight
  • Unemployed and doing nothing to change it
  • In a job you hate
  • In continuing conflict with a family member or a previous partner
  • Regularly indulging in sabotaging behaviours such as overspending, drinking too many glasses of wine in front of the TV or anything else you know isn’t good for you
  • Continually pessimistic

If this sound like you, start immediately to create a life you love. Take control of your finances, plan a dream trip, start saving for your own place, go on that weight loss program, start visiting the gym, find a new job, volunteer with a charity and look for what’s great about your circumstances.

Decide what you want

If you don’t know what you want in relationship, it’s really likely you will settle for something you don’t. Make a list of non-negotiable values that you couldn’t compromise on and then add on your wish list. So get clear on if you want to date someone who…

  • wants kids or who already has them or not
  • has money, status and assets or not
  • has cultural, religious, political or social backgrounds that you share or not
  • is a smoker or not
  • wants to get married or live with you or not
  • shares a particular interest that you are passionate about or not
  • wants to be based in the same place as you or not

If you find it hard to make a list of what you want, start with what you know you definitely don’t. Have fun with it and risk writing down what you most wish for. If you need help ask a good friend who you trust what they think you need in a partner.

Julie Hamilton is a therapist who does one-on-one love and relationship sessions. You can contact her at www.juliehamilton.com.au

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User comments
seen plenty of ugly people who are married and i am noway ugly, and plenty of people who go from marriage to marriage, and i can't even get a 1st one...so what's the deal???? ohhh i know what it is ...yes you are right...all the guys i date are baggage laden and EX reliant. Maybe my thing is to date younger as they dont have the baggage and the kids n the ex's blah blah LOL
YOU GUYS ARE SO DUMB (not all - but some)! The article is stating if you are out of a job and aren't trying to rectify that problem - read the whole statement!! this indicates you don't care about yourself so how could you fathom even the idea of caring for someone else... it isn't saying "you can't have a relationship if you have any of these things...." It's saying you should or need to adress these issues prior to getting into a relationship. Example the point about with the ex still hanging round, this can create a problem for a new bf or gf. For you guys who are offended or annoyed by this article, reread it as a motivational piece and not as a personal attack against you and you will see my point.
This is a great article . . & the people who disagree are perhaps just feeling confronted by the ideas. These articles are designed to strike a chord! I agree that authentic & lasting love usually is of the unconditional kind - but loving someone doesn't necessarily mean a relationship will work out... I fell in love with someone (quite unexpectedly!) at a time when life was fabulous & I was enjoying getting to know myself & living alone. We were tempted to give it a go but I knew deep down I didn't want to build a life with someone else just yet. Instead of jumping in anyway, for the first time in my life I was true to myself about what I wanted to create in my life and who I wanted to be. And when we were both ready, everything just unfolded naturally & easily. We were both able to put the effort into building a solid foundation for our relationship & life together. I'm so glad that I gave myself that extra time. And yes, life is still fabulous!
These comments make me laugh. All the article is saying it that it may not be the best thing if you are miserable, not doing the things you need or want to be ready for a committed relationship. The article has good tips! It doesnt mean you have to follow every one of them but i liked a couple that i would like to improve on. You dnt need the perfect life.. Just to feel good about yourself. That is all!!!
I know im not ready for a relationship. the article has helped me Identify what Im doing wrong. Its upto me, forgiveness, forgiving myself, because im the one that is still brewding over past experiences with my ex...what a waste of my time..no wonder I havent found anyone. 9 years I have been on my own, I need love, I need companionship, I need security, I need my hand to be held, and I need pillow talk. Thanks for the article. We all cant be perfect, in this world they want us too...but having a perfect person in my life would be boring and unsatifying...Im looking for,a kind heart, understanding,giving, affection, empathy, caring, strength in a man...I know he is out there somewhere for me, and when I get my crap together Im there for him....
If you are extremely unhappy with your life a relationship will will be affected by it especially a new relationship if it all comes out in the first stages of the relationship. What this means is if your life in uncontrollable and unstable how could you have a serious relationship without problems.
I am in a relationship with a man I love dearly. However 2 years ago I injured my back & have been in pain every day since. Some days worse than others, it has made me be unable to do activities that I used to be able to do. My partner keeps telling me that my back problems are because" I'm a fat c---". I am a size 12 & 5ft 6inches. I do agree that I am a little overweight at present, I dont eat alot & have not been able to exercise as much as I'd like to. I also recently became redundant in my job, he wants me to go back to work full time, I have three children from a previous relationship. I took the redundancy on his advise & now he is saying that I'm not good for anything. I have actively been looking for employment but I need to be able to create a work life balance situation, How do I make him understand how much pain I'm in & also work part time out of the house as well as looking after his & my childrens needs.
wow! sounds way to restrictive to me! do i really have to do all that!? well guess i will never be ready for a relationship.....may as well curl up and eat chocolate...mmmm...!!
I find that really offensive actually. You are pretty much saying people who don't work and who have problems are un attractive? as someone said before me. Who doesn't have some kind of baggage? Its got NOTHING to do with if you are ready for a relationship- only thing I agree with is the obsession with the ex or whatever. its about who you are as a person. Nothing about wether you have a job, or debt or WHATEVER. I wouldn't date somebody who expected all the things you listed, no way in the world. love is suppose to be un conditional!
Are you what!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Is this the reality to which we must succumb? to have a perfect life you must have a relationship? and if not, perhaps your not ready for one so bad luck unto you a crap existance? this is NOT the sole purpose of our existance (that belongs to a different commentaryl) more importantly you dont need a partner to be happy, or any of the other rubbish still being smeared through magazines and advertising (and on-line commentarys.) You recieve love from many different sources in life, family, friends, colleagues, even pets, a partner who loves you is just another type of love, not the only form of love "the whole us against the world" partnership speil being fed through the above mentioned mediums and many more im sure, two vs six billion... if thats your perfect life foundation, you will lose. The key is to love yourself unconditionally It is a prerequisite how could you accept love from anyone at all if you cannot recognise and give it to yourself first...

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