Ouch! No, you’re not in physical agony, although the hangover is probably a doozy. Instead, this sting is a memory that you would give anything to forget. You’ve woken up and recalled dancing on the office photocopier, swinging on your neighbours’ curtains Tarzan-style or crash-tackling an off-duty Santa.

What’s worse is that others witnessed the dubious behaviour of your other self, the one that comes out only during party season.

Before you contemplate a one-way flight to Uzbekistan to avoid the humiliation, console yourself with one sobering thought – at least photographs of your shame won’t be published for the world to see the next day.

In other words, at least you’re not famous.

You see, celebrities make mistakes, too, only theirs often wind up as front-page fodder, allowing those of us denied access to their world of free champagne, famous friends and posh privilege a delicious slug of schadenfreude.

Tips for celebritoes

• Wear underwear when you leave home and keep it on.
• Enter a toilet cubicle solo.
• Don’t be videotaped having sex – it will be leaked.
• Don’t go back to work if you’ve had one too many and you’re a TV presenter.
• “Plus one” on an invite means plus one person – not an entire entourage.
• If you’re slurring the word “taxi”, you need one.
• If you run a red light, just pay the damn ticket.
• If you’re banging your head against a fence, it’s time to go home.
• Remember that goodie bags are gifts, not rights.

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